A Sneak Peek

So we have some really exciting stuff we're cooking up for a couple days from now, but until we let you sink your teeth into it, chew on this one for awhile.

Chug-of-War

Jason: Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, put your hands together as we begin ILoveAltoona's Chug-of-War, a competitive extravaganza pitting soda against soda, giving one a chance to defend his title and the other a once-in-a-shelf-lifetime opportunity to bottle up all his nay-sayers. Will the challenger pop his opponent in the eye? Will the champ bust a cap on his competition? Will the new kid on the block come away as the King of Carbonation…or just full of fizzle?

In this corner, weighing in at 12 fluid ounces, the Sultan of Smooth, Meanderin' Mandarin Soda! With a mellow orangey tang and a vivid, colorful complexion, you'd think the champ was all sizzle and no steak, but you'd be wrong. Having won his title from Bad Bitin' Barq's, this champ knows a thing or two about flattening the competition. He's in unbeatable mode when teamed up with his long-time trainer, nicknamed "The Canopener."

And in this corner, tipping the scales at an impressive 355 milliliters, please welcome Mr. Tall-Dark-and-Handsome, Sanguine Sangria. I tell you, just taking one look at this kid convinces you that he knows the champ, and doesn't think much of him! From his striking green bottle to his dusky, opaque appearance, you know this kid means business. Rising a full cap-and-rim above the champ, he's looking down on Mandarin in more ways than one. Sangria has a taste that, to the uninitiated, could be mistaken for a sweeter cola, except for two important distinctions:

1. The kid's definitely got a sour streak in him, and
2. Part of his complex bouquet tastes like an ingredient in Oriental food.

One other thing we ought to mention: unlike many of his more aggressive cousins, Sangria is a non-alcoholic soda, in a show of bravado meant to send a not-so-subtle message to his competition: at least in Sangria's mind, he's the better soda, hands down, on anyone's terms in any circumstance. If anyone doubts his abilities, just check out his six-pack!

Yes sir, this is a grudge match the likes of which the beverage world hasn't seen since Bud Bowl VI. For the rest of the story, we go to our special correspondent Elizabeth, who's got all the juicy details on tap:

Elizabeth: That's right Jason, this match is anything but cordial. If you want to call it the fight of the decade, I'll drink to that. As the two touch gloves, the cork has popped on this fight, and the pressure that is released is spilling over into the crowd, which has been dripping with expectation for the last hour now. And the champ is hitting with all he's got, seemingly draining the kid of all he's got. Yes, I think we can just about say this one's in the can, and in PA there's no 5-cent refund. So...

Wait, what's this? In a flurry of clinking glass, we have a new competitor in the ring, Blood Orange Soda, the Awesome Aussie, with his trademark Kangaroo Kick.

Jason: What's that you say? I thought this was a boxing match.

Elizabeth: Well, call it kickboxing then, because this Sydney Soda is dispensing his vibrant, extra-sweet citrus flavor in spades, giving the champ and the kid more than their daily allotment of punishment.

Jason: Isn't there a referee? What's he doing?

Elizabeth: If you ask me, he's mostly trying to stir things up.

Jason: And there you have it folks, drink it all in; this is a refreshing turn of events. Tomorrow morning, when the news has bubbled up to the rest of the world, just remember, you heard it here first.